I once again found myself in the wilderness. Marked as the adulterous woman, publicly disfellowshipped from two churches. Disfellowshipping someone means the entire congregation was told of their sin and told to have nothing to do with the person until they repent of their sin.

I moved to the north end of Seattle to get as far away from the churches as possible. I was working full-time. I was in an on-again, off-again relationship with my abuser. By now, I was emotionally dependent on him. It is hard to explain what I came to understand as an obsession. You are so emotionally dependent you feel like you could die if the person rejects you. The emotional anguish of believing you cannot live without that person is devastating.

I was working in the University district of Seattle at the time. I had a friend, a gay man, who I would tell what was happening. I remember saying to him more than once, “They have support groups for all kinds of things. I wish I could find one to help me with what feels like an addiction.” So I understand how women in abusive relationships struggle to get out. I was one of them.

All parts of my world had fallen apart. One couple from my previous life reached out to me repeatedly to see how I was doing. Finally, in the fall of 1985, they told me about a new church starting, Alderwood Vineyard. I went one Sunday and cried through the entire service. The moment the music began, I felt a deep sense of belonging. The sermon was all about prodigals coming home.

The three men who planted this church I knew of from the previous Pentecostal group. I was intrigued. In the summer of 1984, I went to California. I needed a break from all the intense pressure I was feeling. While there, I heard about the Vineyard. This new movement was growing in southern California. The Anaheim Vineyard was hosting a conference. John Wimber, the leader of the movement, was teaching a course at Fuller seminary, MC510: “Signs, Wonders & Church Growth,” and the conference was material from the course. From what I knew of both groups, I was intrigued. How could the men from my prior movement do what I encountered at the Vineyard? So, I went.

I found a group of people who embraced me in all my brokenness. The leadership of the church embraced gender mutuality. They encouraged women in their gifts and invited women into leadership. I found so much healing in this church. It was about this time that therapy was becoming more mainstream. I remember being with a small group of women praying for me. One of them asked if I knew what drove me to such destructive behavior. Then, I realized I had no idea why I was so vulnerable to predatory behavior. So I found a therapist and began to work with my childhood trauma.

I began to lead a small women’s recovery group. I had no idea how to lead a recovery group. I was very early on in my recovery. The women were on their journey out of abuse. A friend, a therapist, would meet with me and help me with the structure and content of the group. The church and the group were rapidly growing. We did conferences and retreats on healing from shame brought on by abuse. I ended up leading the women’s ministry of this now 400+ congregation.

I was still very much in the process of overcoming this relationship addiction. It was hard work. I found so much grace and healing in this congregation. Prayer, storytelling, friendships, and now a therapist who understood and could get me to see the abuse for what it was.

Then the patriarchy hit again. In 1989, I and a few others suspected the lead pastor was having an inappropriate relationship with the woman who was his assistant. I felt like I was losing my mind. I could see the signs; I had lived it.

A small group of leaders confronted him. He, of course, denied it. He was so mad at me. He had supported me coming to the church even though he knew the pastors who disfellowshipped me. He took the heat for me from them. He told me how disappointed in me he was. I was crushed. Within one year, he decided to leave the church and the ministry to work on his marriage. By now, two men were leading the church. They decided to close the church. So, they announced one Sunday morning that the church was closing in two weeks! They gave everyone a list of churches they would recommend. And that was it; two weeks later, the church closed. It was a devastating loss for me and many others who had found a haven at the Vineyard.

We would find out a few years later that he was sexually and spiritually abusing his assistant. It appeared that he had done this with several women before this church. My colleague, a psychologist, has often said that when a pastor has an inappropriate relationship with a congregant or staff member, we don’t call it an affair; we have to name it for what it is. It is abuse. It is both spiritual and sexual abuse.

From what I understand, this pastor never again pursued public ministry. He remarried over twenty years ago, unlike my abuser, who rejected any restoration process with the Foursquare denomination. Instead, he and his wife have a ministry to the most vulnerable in Africa. I am sickened by what might be happening to women under their care.

Patriarchy plays out in both types of churches. It is not exclusively in complementarian congregations (though I believe way more common). It also happens in churches that hold an egalitarian view, think Willow Creek and Bill Hybels. A group of us stayed together to recover from this, another predatory pastor playing out his brokenness and harming many.

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